At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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