You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize