i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
