Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
