my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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