and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
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