I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
