our cab driver is having phone sex.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
