wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
can u get pink eye on your cock?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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