I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
