I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
