Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Randomize
