PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
