her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
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