Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
