nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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