Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
