my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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