So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
