I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I pour the whiskey from now on
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
