Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize