and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
