I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
