If i come over, it means nothing
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
