Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
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