Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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