Will you blow on my dice?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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