Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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