You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
