found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
