To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
