I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
