No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
