Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
