Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
