Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
