I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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