I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
