she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
