goodnight i made you a song goodbye
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I just had sex on a roof
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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