the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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