I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
We need to feng shui this bitch.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
