he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
Are my feet made of real feet?
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize