pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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