Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize