well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Randomize
