i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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