it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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