mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Randomize
