I think I won the penis lottery.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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