The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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