I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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