By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
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