i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
