Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
