the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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