I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
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