I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
