You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
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