my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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