I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
