I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Randomize
