can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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