I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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