So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
