I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
