just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
