I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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