omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
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